Home again home again jiggedy jig....
Another 7 days inpatient under my belt. Home again now - whoopdee doo.
Things are not getting better
I’ve been out of the hospital for weeks, out of the outpatient program for about a week, and here I am having suicidal thoughts. I wrote a suicide note. My husband left to go get something and I am stockpiling meds so that if he gets alarmed collects my meds (which he should have done by now but I am just too manipulative) and I decide to go through with it I can still do so. I’m swaying between “you’re being ridiculous” and “when is the best time that will have the least impact on everyone.” I’m glad I have the blog as a secret outlet. Tomorrow I will talk to my therapist. I’ll come clean. Will they send me back to the hospital? I doubt it. I won’t make it sound all that bad, though I think it might be.
If they recommend the hospital I will go. I want to go somewhere different because my experience with the ancient place I went last time was so bad. But really at least trying somewhere new gives me a little hope that they will do something that the others didn’t. Does that make sense? Going back to the same place seems hopeless because I have tried their bag of tricks and it failed. Going somewhere new - or thinking about it anyway - gives me a tiny bit of hope that they will have something to help me. I guess that’s all that’s keeping me going….that and the preparations. I have all the paperwork in order but need to get a few things notarized. How the fuck am I supposed to get that done without setting off alarms?
Maybe I need to go back to the hospital. Maybe I need to stay longer this time. Maybe I just need to hold on to that hope.
two things i have never seen
1. smiling punk rocker
2. a black kid wearing a lei
this was taken at a Pride festival. The kid was there with his dads and saw the punk’s spikes. The punk bent down to let him touch them and they hugged afterward.
This made me miss the days when I lived in DC and my daughter and I would go to the Pride parade to show support. What a great event. We even made the front page of the local LGBT paper one year!
This is how crappy my day is…this movie is waiting for my in the mailbox and I can’t get myself to walk out there. I see the fucking neighbors with their cheerful children outside and I think if I go out and they say something I may just start screaming and tearing out my hair. I’ve had a better day than yesterday mostly by sitting very still and trying not to disrupt the air around me. When I was in the hospital they actually mentioned this movie being about BPD so I put it on Netflix and it should be here. But here I am with my cowardly ass just sitting inside wishing I could watch it again. The damned thing is like 50 yards away or something. Shit.
read the book. it’s the truth and it’s better than the movie.
Oh, good idea! I requested it from the library, I am second in line. So that usually means I will get it sometime this week. My concentration is crap right now and I can hardly read anything longer than an magazine article but maybe this will help pull me out of it. I LOVE to read. Thanks for the tip!
This is how crappy my day is…this movie is waiting for my in the mailbox and I can’t get myself to walk out there. I see the fucking neighbors with their cheerful children outside and I think if I go out and they say something I may just start screaming and tearing out my hair. I’ve had a better day than yesterday mostly by sitting very still and trying not to disrupt the air around me. When I was in the hospital they actually mentioned this movie being about BPD so I put it on Netflix and it should be here. But here I am with my cowardly ass just sitting inside wishing I could watch it again. The damned thing is like 50 yards away or something. Shit.
disorderlymind started following you
thanks.
side note: kind of creepy now tumblr. it’s no longer “started following this tumblelog”?
Oh that’s just me, mwhahahahha!!!!!
10658.) I'm always feeling as if I'm never good enough, like a social outcast. Outside I may seem like any other girl but deep in the inside, I'm completely miserable.
(via blogsecret)
My motto.
